So… What’s worse? Being nervous that I will have to have knee surgery (and mom will stay home from their colorado trip) or hearing you are fine, nothing is wrong?

I swear my mom and I have the most abusive/toxic relationship, if the doc says I’m fine she will get mad at me for having an MRI, if I have to have surgery she will be mad that she “has” to take care of me. Hell she threw a bitchfit when I asked if she wanted to go with me because she thinks she is a doctor…

Some times I just wish I’d give up on this last degree and move out… I’d be much happier (especially if I could find a decent paying job to support my need to be as far away from that crazy bitcxh as possible)

Maybe I am more of a gemini than I thought… I’m so over the guy in KC its not even funny… But then again I think I am just super stressed about school. I keep hoping I can pull it off, but school is kicking my ass, I’m failing a class, have a D in another and 2 cs… I need a 2.5 to get in the ed program and I don’t have it… With any hope I can pull it out, but its going to come down to the wire that’s for damn sure.

On the guy front- like I said I’m over kc guy. He was fun but the distance made a friends with benefit thing hard since he doesn’t come this way that often… And I can’t afford to go up there that much… Oh well, at least I can say I don’t have to wonder what if…

Had a guy I went to high school with tell me he had the biggest crush on me and was too scared to talk to me because I was too cool… I was not cool in high school by any means… I took his words as a compliment, he’s married with kids now…

I guess I just am going to face everything on my own… I can do it… Couple more years and I’m out of here anyway so what’s the point…

Sometimes I think I’m too tough for my own good… I don’t let people in because to me, guys don’t care and girls are just waiting to stab you in the back… I am not friends with anyone my own age… Closest person to me is… 2 yrs younger I think but they are usually older… And most of my friends are guys because with the exception of a few females… Most of the girls I meet hate me- they think I’m flirting with their guys or are just straight up bitches… And always invite drama.

Ahh the life of me…

I love my hair dresser- I can vent to her and she makes it better, so I’m sitting here after bouncing all the last few weeks happenings off of her and I’m thinking… I put up with too much crap.
I let people walk all over me I let things bother me that shouldn’t I worry way too much about things I shouldn’t… Bfd chiefs fan might have a girlfriend- he is still my friend and I want him to be happy. I also need to stop letting people get in my head (well except the afore mentioned friend- he is pretty zenlike haha) I need to do me, not me, my friends, my family, school and everything else… I need to get back to ME… If things are meant to work out they will- if not I will just roll with whatever happens

*wooosaw* haha

Its been crazy since my last update… But I think things may finely calm down… Which is good because I need to focus on school.

Let’s see grandma had surgery, a chick that I was friends with (that always supplied stupid fights and drama) is gone! Um kc guy and I are friends that occasionally sleep together… There is not 1 ounce of personal drama in my life!!! (I have been drug into others drama but I’m learning how to deal with that as it comes at me…) I honestly can say I love my life right now!

Its weird I walked onto campus at Friends 4 years ago and felt this calm feeling like I was supposed to be there for some reason… Every time I walk onto campus at WSU I get that same feeling, like I am supposed to be there… Its hard to explain unless you have felt it but its nice to feel like that. Ok ok just wanted to update this, I really should be reading my book for my paper due in 2 weeks…

I hate valentines day why make a big deal out of telling someone you love them when you should be doing it everyday?

I hate it, its when people in relationships can make a single person feel like crap… Case and point had a friend call me at 930 am and tell me her boyfriend hadn’t text her yet… And she was freaking out. Um you have someone so shut up… (Actually she is a bad example I got more info out of her and that relationship is not a healthy one) but still… Don’t call your single friends to tell them your boyfriend hasn’t said anything to you…

My friend said “I hate being single on valentines day” I told her “I’ve been single on 26 of em and broken up with someone the week or 2 after on the other 2” she goes “oh my gosh how horrible”. Yes I get it I’m a loser why are you asking for my advice again?

The last few days have been bad… Ok that’s sugar coating it… They have been the kind of days that people usually snap and shove themselves full of pills or something.

Wednesday was the worst day of school ever I hate one of my teachers, I almost yelled at him… Get to work and then head to my stats class… Pretty standard get home to see a note from the bank… Start crying cause I have no money. Get up the next day and my good morning text isn’t there so I send him one… Nothing… Whatever run to the bank to put some checks in my account get home look at my balance and just start bawling cause I know I can’t afford school and loan payments and everything else (ie: my car) and I bawl all day mom forces me to eat at 1 I go to work get there dad asks what’s wrong and I start crying again… He tells me we will fix what’s wrong and also tells me if I don’t go to class we can talk after work. Well I don’t go to class so we talk and he calms me down. I’m doing my homework lastnight and overhear mom tell my sister my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer… Start crying again…

So today I wake up (after not sleeping well at all) and there is no message on my phone- so I text him and ask what’s up and tell him if its not too much trouble I need a friend now… Cuz grandma and I are close… And I’m scared… Nothing (side note not a damn tear from the last 3 days has been about him- and I’m proud of that) so yes I’m laying in bed with a horrible headache a sore knee (PT hurts) and tears falling and thinking how I shut down after grandpa died and afraid I’ll do it again if it happens to her… (Side note her birthday is the 21st)

No matter how I try to buck the system I always fall back into the typical girl category.

I met a guy who seems great, I went to visit him and it went pretty good… I get nervous and he doesn’t text me once (which I found out was held by my phone, so I did get it) and I melt down and bawl so hard I don’t go to class…

He and I talk and I tell him I can’t be that girl and this has to be a fun thing with no drama and he agrees- so he has been really stressing out lately because of school so he hasn’t been talking much and I realize I miss talking like we used to… Typical girl I get what I want and I want more than I thought…

At the same time though I’m glad we don’t cause if we did talk like we used to I would nev er get any homework done and I’d never be able to follow what my class was doing so I guess its good… I just want to fix his school stuff for him… But at the same time I don’t know if he is venting just to vent and get his anger off his chest, or if he is venting for advice— either way I usually end up giving him a little bit of advice… Hopefully it helps out… I know it sucks when things don’t go how you had planned…